Scotia’s Dating Tips for Men

This is another guest post by Scotia Stone, who is an educator and relationship coach:

I read a dating tip for women once that gave me a chuckle. It read “look nice, smell nice, be nice.” Pretty simple. And it said nothing about what we should say or not say on a date, but simply about how we should BE. Well, it’s good advice for everyone.

1. So men, number one, be clean, smell clean and dress decently. Take it from the girls- when a woman goes out on a date, she thinks about what she’ll wear in large part because she knows you are judging her appearance. So she makes sure not to dress sluttily, or dress like she’s at work, which can make her look uptight. She tries to balance attractive without overboard. You should also strive for a balanced look. Don’t dress like you’re on the Sopranos or like you are going to play football with the guys after you leave her. Dress in clean, ironed clothes- jeans or chinos for most places, and a long sleeve button down shirt, stripes or solid. Add a belt. It’s a nice, clean, balanced look. And as for smelling nice- take a shower, and make sure not to douse yourself in cologne. We may like you but if we hate your cologne, it’s a goner.

2. If you get talking to a woman at a bar or party, buy or procure her a drink. This shows you are attentive to her needs, and observant. I don’t like when men send a drink over in a bar- it’s cheesy and antiquated. But if you are already talking, taking up her time, it shows how thoughtful you are.

3. Pay for the first few dates. It’s just how it’s done. Complain all you want about a double standard, but most studies tell you men prefer it this way in the beginning. If you are dating a lot of women, or if you don’t have a lot of money, go somewhere inexpensive, or just meet for coffee or a drink. When/if a woman offers to pay, say “oh no, this is on me” or “I’ll take care of this.” It makes you look generous and well mannered, highly desirable traits in a man.

4. Do not talk about yourself for too long! So many men blather on and on during a date and don’t bother to learn about the woman they’re with. I once got asked for a second date by a guy who had done this. I asked him “How do you know you want to go out with me again? You didn’t bother to learn anything about me!” I couldn’t resist the teachable moment. A good conversation is like ping pong- I lob to you, you lob to me. I ask you about your hobbies, you ask me about the trips I’ve taken, for example. The point of going on a date is to learn about each other.

5. If you have kids and you’re dating, make sure not to keep saying “my kids come first.” Everyone knows this. Of course they come first. Men so often put this in their online profiles too, and it is very alienating to women. There has to be room in your life for this great new woman to come in, and hopefully your kids will love her too! (Same goes for your dog by the way. Don’t post 10 pictures of the dog and talk about how much you enjoy hanging out with him.)

6. Last, I like the medical credo. First do No Harm. If you go out on a date with someone, and you’re not interested, don’t ask her out again on the date and then not call. If she calls you, call her back and let her down easy. I like the line “I enjoyed meeting you, but I just don’t see us as a match.” It’s a nice, neutral statement, and it won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. This can be said in an email, or over the phone if necessary. So many men say things they don’t mean, or just disappear into thin air, leaving women angry and frustrated. Always do the kind thing. You have everything to gain. It’s not only good karma, but because you’ve demonstrated that you are considerate and have manners, she may set you up with one of her friends. And now you don’t have to worry about running into her somewhere either.

Go get ‘em Tiger – happy dating!

You can read more on this topic from Scotia Stone’s new book Damned If You Do.

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